I typically write my reactions at the end of the student's piece unless there are major grammar or spelling errors that need to be pointed out. This is because a lot of my students are attempting creative writing for the first time in 9th grade, so I want them to look at the comments as a holistic review rather than a red pen. That’s also why I choose to put my reaction in purple rather than red! I’ve adopted Professor Terry Kirts’ method of "praise, probe, polish" since taking his poetry workshop. I think it’s effective in making it clear that my comments are intended to build on their successes toward a finely-tuned final draft. I also think it’s very biblical to “speak the truth in love” to my students so they can feel encouraged while growing in their writing.
First Road trip for the Malagon Family
We stuffed ourselves into my uncle’s black Chevy van
pressed against our luggage, against each other
trying our best to prepare
for the thirty-four-hour drive to Mexico.
My aunt sat in the back holding my crying cousin,
and my sister and I were shoving each
other with every sharp turn
while my dad rubbed at his sore neck
all before we even left Indiana.
Once we reached Texas my dad stopped
at the first hotel he could find,
his neck was stiffer
and the kids went from shoving to fists
we were so close to the border
but the roads were bad at night
so, we stayed at La Quinta.
Laughter filled the hotel room
as my family spoke about how they used to
help take care of the animals,
all the trouble they would get into while messing around
and the look of my surprise that would be on
my grandparents faces when we arrive.
When we continued the next day
driving past the mountains and dry fields
nearing my grandparent’s house
my dad called ahead asking where they were
and then got out of the car to knock on the gate.
My grandpa opened the gate
with a look of confusion that turned to joy
letting us into their property.
My grandma opened the door
with a question in her eyes but a smile on her face
and her amazing authentic Mexican carnitas in her hands.
A big house behind her with enough space for nine,
but with only four left to fill it.
Great slice of life poem. Love that the opening line jumps right into the narrative. The little details about the sore neck and the kids fighting are good examples of show vs. tell.
do wonder if there’s enough consistency in how line breaks are handled. Some have commas to separate thoughts and others don’t. Generally, you might want to look at your punctuation for clarity as well.
Other thoughts: Title could be more vivid; ending is a bit ambiguous because of “four left to fill it.” Are there more coming? Does it refer to the people in the van? They aren’t numbered explicitly, but there are definitely more than four. Consider revising that last stanza to clearly connect the reader to the significance of the moment.